the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
