so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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