The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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