i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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