I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She's the barista slut.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
