When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
