you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
