You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
