I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
