dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
