Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
dude i'm inner monologue high
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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