I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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