i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
