sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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