oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
