Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
