When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Be still, my beating vagina.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
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