Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
