I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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