If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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