New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
