can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My dick has a subreddit
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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