my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
