Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
