I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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