batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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