Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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