I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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