no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
