I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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