I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i hope you realize when i said "grib" earlier i was referring to the gridded binary, a mathematically concise data format commonly used in meteorology to store historical weather forecast data. also meant in referential conjunction to my probability math class that i am failing at roughly 215pm tomorrow afternoon.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
