I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
