I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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