i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
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