woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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