the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
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