i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
