i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
