Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
