hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
