Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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