I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize