My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
