what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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