life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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