So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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