Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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