I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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