how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
