Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
