I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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