I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
