today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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