Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
stop calling my apartment porn island.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
