cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
