Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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