Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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