totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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