why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
