i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
