i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
