I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
that is very illegal...i love you.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
