We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
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